


How Brightly We Burn

by accidental_amanda



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Additional Tags to Come, Angst, Anxiety, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Bendemption, Canon Compliant, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Kylo Ren Redemption, Minor EU Elements, Mutual Pining, Post War, Post-Canon, Psychological Trauma, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo - Freeform, Slow Burn, angsty fluff, self imposed exile
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-10-23 01:19:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17673674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/accidental_amanda/pseuds/accidental_amanda
Summary: Ben Solo never really gave much thought to how he would die.He assumed it would happen on the battlefield with his saber in hand, spilling blood with darkness coursing through him like an electrical current. Or perhaps his end would come at the hand of his former master, having fatally displeased him somehow. Maybe even by a knife in the back, likely from a certain red-headed general. But none of those endings became his reality. No, in the end, his death would come from an executioner’s blaster.What was most surprising was that he would go willingly.After the war is over between the First Order and the Resistance, Kylo Ren is given a choice and a chance. Rey is there to ensure that this time he makes the right one.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thank you to [Erulisse17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erulisse17/pseuds/Erulisse17) for editing this chapter and helping me feel like less of a neurotic fool.

Ben Solo never really gave much thought to how he would die. 

He assumed it would happen on the battlefield with his saber in hand, spilling blood with darkness coursing through him like an electrical current. Or perhaps his end would come at the hand of his former master, having fatally displeased him somehow. Maybe even by a knife in the back, likely from a certain red-headed general. But none of those endings became his reality. No, in the end, his death would come from an executioner’s blaster. 

What was most surprising was that he would go willingly. 

As he sits in his bare cell underneath the Resistance base, Ben Solo thinks back to the events that have led him here. Everything from his uncle’s training camp, his apprenticeship under Snoke, a Wookie’s anguished howl as his father’s body fell, a battle in the snow, hands reaching across the galaxy, the pleading look in her hazel eyes. When he thinks back on it all, on every bloody action that brought him to this point, most of it he doesn’t regret. One thing he does. But overall he can’t help but acknowledge that it all needed to happen. Because all of it brought him to her. And she is the one thing he can never regret.

_He searches for her across the smoke-filled battlefield. Bodies lay scattered on the blood-soaked ground. It’s done. The war is finally over. He stands and feels the stiffness in his joints, the blood seeping from a wound above his eye, his lungs burning from exhaustion. He pays attention to none of it as his eyes sweep the field, hoping to catch sight of chestnut hair and hazel eyes._

_It takes a few agonizing seconds before he finds her, at least fifty meters away, her saberstaff still lit a brilliant yellow. The relief that flows through him seeing her alive and in one piece is so overwhelming he’s sure it floods their bond because in the very next second, her head whips around in his direction. Even from the distance he can see her body visibly relax when her gaze falls on him. She extinguishes her saber and begins to move towards him, and suddenly his entire body is buzzing with the need to gather her in his arms and ensure she’s truly alright. His long strides work to close the distance between them, taking no notice of anything surrounding them._

_Nothing else matters in that moment; not the war, the casualties, what happens next. None of it. All that matters is her. She’s beginning to run, a full out sprint and he can feel her panic spike through the bond. For split second he’s confused. He scans the area surrounding her, searching for the danger she fears. That’s when he realizes, her panic isn’t for herself, its for him. He takes in the scene around him, and sees ten Resistance soldiers closing in on his periphery, blasters drawn. They’re much closer than Rey, she’s still so far._

_The hope he didn’t even realize was building in his chest suddenly drains away. Of course it was too good to be true. Of course he didn’t deserve to hold her in his arms after all he’s done. Because of who he is. His steps slow to a complete stop, his hands limp at his sides. He can see her mouth make the shape of his name. His real name. She’ll never reach him in time, he knows. So he drops to his knees and raises his hands in the air. Kylo Ren has surrendered himself to the Resistance._

He didn’t get a chance to speak to her before they carted him off the field, she never got close enough. He did hear her screaming though, yelling for them to let him go as they threw him into the nearest shuttle. There was no way they would ever listen, not even to her. As much as they looked to her as their last beacon of hope, they would never let him go. A monster like him only deserved one kind of fate and they were going to deliver him right to it. 

Ben lets out a loud sigh and drops his head back to rest against the durasteel wall. He wonders what is taking them so long. 

_Typical bureaucratic bullshit. Can’t even carry out a simple death sentence without harping about it for hours on end. Even when no one disagrees._

He closes his eyes and allows himself to feel the Force around him, checking to ensure that his mental walls are solid and the bond is still tightly shut. Though he would like nothing more than to reach out to her, he knows it’s better this way. Better to not drag this out, better to let her go now. 

Ben is pulled out of his revere by sounds on the other side of his door. He hears a muffled voice, “Dameron wants the prisoner.” Then the door of his cell is opening. He looks up and sees the traitor FN-2187 – _No. Finn. She called him Finn_ \- standing in the doorway, blaster in hand.

“Get up. They want you at high command.”

About time. Ben stands and takes two large steps towards Finn, who seems to tense up and straighten his back, almost like he’s preparing for Ben to strike. That would be just like him, wouldn’t it? Wordlessly, Ben steps up to the shorter man and presents his bare wrists. Finn takes a moment to stare Ben in the eyes, wary and searching. Ben couldn’t imagine what he would possibly be looking to find, but before the moment can stretch on any further Finn brings out the binders to clasp around Ben’s wrists.

“Let’s go.” Finn pulls him towards the open doorway, ensuring that Ben stays a few feet in front of him the entire time.

 _Training really goes deep doesn’t it?_ Ben thinks sardonically as he makes his way down the dimly lit corridor. Little is said between the two men, besides Finn giving the occasional direction. Turn here. Down this hall. Through that door. _Just how big is this place?_

The silence stretches on as they make their way through the base. Just a few weeks ago, had Ben found himself in this exact position, he would be memorizing the layout of the base, focusing on points where security might be weaker. As fate _or the Force_ would have it though, Ben marches on and keeps his eyes trained straight ahead. He doesn’t imagine that he needs to learn his way around, he won’t be making a trip back.

“Couldn’t believe you actually did it.” 

Ben is slightly surprised by Finn’s statement, mainly because he can’t believe the man would speak a single word to him outside of what is strictly necessary.

“Did what?”

“Defected. Helped bring down the First Order.”

_You and me both._

“Why would that be so hard to believe? You did the same thing, didn’t you?”

“We are NOT the same. Do you hear me? I am nothing like you.” Ben doesn’t need the Force to feel the heated fury behind Finn’s words.

Ben can’t be completely sure what possesses him to continue speaking, maybe it’s the realization that this could very well be the last conversation he has with another human being.

“Maybe not. But you can’t deny that there are some things we share. Someone.”

Finn grows quiet at that, the only sound that can be heard is the echo of their footsteps. _What time is it anyways? Shouldn’t there be other people on this base?_

“Did you do it for her?”

Though Ben was the one who brought her up, he was not prepared to have this conversation. Especially not with this man, but then again- _Last conversation ever._ So, he responds honestly. 

“Yes.”

“You care about her.”

He clenches his jaw and feels the muscles under his left eye twitch. His feelings for Rey are not what one would consider simple and he’s not sure he completely understands the depths of them himself. But there exists exactly zero chance of him trying to explain that to Finn, who is likely one of the many in line ready to pull the trigger on him. 

“Even if I did, I’m not going to be around much longer for it to make a difference.”

Finn grows quiet again and the sound of their footsteps bounce off the durasteel walls.

“And if you were?” 

Ben can’t help but arch his brow in confused curiosity, even though he knows Finn can’t see him from his position. 

“Around longer for it to make a difference. Would it?”

He’s unsure how to answer since there is no real way of knowing, so he doesn’t. He remains quiet and keeps his eyes fixed to the end of the corridor. 

“I’m just trying to understand.” He hears Finn let out a sigh before he continues, “I was part of the Order, I’ve heard stories from troopers who went on missions with you. I witnessed first hand what you’re capable of, on Tuanul and on Starkiller. Knowing all that I do, I’m having trouble seeing how your intentions could be anything other than self-serving.”

 _Who says they weren’t?_ He knows that his reputation precedes him, and he knows what kind of reputation it is, so he really isn’t surprised to find that Finn thinks so little of him. 

“I would think you would understand better than anyone.”

“What do you mean?”

“You were not the only one paying attention on Tuanul. I felt your conflict that night. When I gave the order to kill the remaining villagers, you didn’t fire. You were torn between doing what you were taught, trained, and conditioned to do, and what you felt was right. In the end, you went with what you believed was right. Were your intentions pure? Completely free of any self-interest. Or were you just trying to be rid of the conflict inside of you? To find a way out.”

Finn doesn’t respond and Ben could tell his words had an unnerving effect. That Finn didn’t like his answer but couldn’t find a suitable response. _Still making people uncomfortable. Right up to my dying day…_

“Even if I can’t see it, or understand it. She always believed you would make the right choice. No matter how much I told her to give up, or tried to get her to see that she was holding out for the impossible. She never stopped believing in you.” Finn lets out a scoff. “You could never deserve her. But I guess that isn’t up to me.”

Finn grabs Ben by the elbow and roughly jerks him down another corridor to their left, this one much shorter and leading directly to-

_A hanger bay?_

Before Ben can question what is happening, he’s being pulled into the middle of the hanger, towards a scoutship primed for flight. That’s when Ben’s world turns on its head. Running down the open ramp, breathless and beautiful, is Rey. 

“You made it!” she exclaims as she reaches the two men.

“I’ve said this a hundred times, but I’ll say it once more. I don’t like this Rey.”

She turns towards her friend and gives him a warm smile before pulling him into a tight hug. “I know Finn. Thank you for doing it anyways.” She closes her eyes for a second as she turns into him. “We’ll see each other again soon. I promise.”

Ben is too shocked to do anything other than stand there. Even as Rey reaches for his wrists to undo the binders and starts dragging him up the ramp to the waiting ship, his mind is a complete blank. It isn’t until he turns back and sees Finn standing there, raising his fingers to his head in a mock solute of farewell, does Ben finally come to his senses.

He plants his feet and yanks Rey back towards him. “Rey, what do you think you’re doing?”

She looks at him with amusement in her clear hazel eyes. “What? We’re getting out of here Ben.”

He shakes his head, still trying to clear away the confusion. “No Rey, you can’t. They’ll come for us. They’ll come for _you_. I can’t let you do this.” 

Rey flashes him a brilliant smile and Ben feels something twinge in his chest. “Oh Ben. Its adorable that you think you have a choice. Now get your ass on this ship before I give that scar of yours a twin.” She pulls herself free and makes the rest of her way into the ship, leaving Ben to stand dumbfounded on the ramp. He turns back one more time to look at Finn, but the man is gone. Ben rushes inside.

“Rey! You can’t do this!” He nearly runs into her once he enters the main holding.

“Actually, I think you’ll find that I can.” She hands him a piece of parchment, actual parchment, and then heads towards the cockpit. “You may want to strap in!” she calls back to him.

But Ben can’t focus on anything she’s saying, because the only thing he can see at the moment is the elegant, slightly shaky scrawl across the face of the letter in his hand. His name, written in Alderaanian script. 

He feels the ship jerk forward as it prepares to launch from the hanger, so Ben drops himself into the nearest seat and does as he’s told. With shaking hands as Rey pilots them into the unknown, Ben opens the letter.

> _Dearest Ben,_
> 
> _I know there is much that needs to be said between us, and too much than can be said in this letter. I haven’t had nearly enough practice with this tangible type of correspondence as you do. But I need you to know Ben, that I am sorry. I don’t think I can ever truly express to you the depth of my regret for how I handled things when you were a child. Your father and I never were the most stable of people, even before we had you. We found each other in the midst of a war, running and fighting for our lives. And when it ended and the running and fighting stopped, I don’t think we ever learned how to just be ourselves without the chaos around us. None of this is your fault, but you suffered the most because of it. I was convinced my responsibility was to the republic and your father never had any real reference point for what it meant to be a good parent. But bless him, he tried. He tried so hard, until he couldn’t anymore and I know you blamed yourself for that. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to tell you how much that wasn’t true. You are my son and it was my job to make sure you knew how much you were loved, and I failed at that. My hope is that I can begin to make amends, and that starts now._
> 
> _You need to flee Ben. With the First Order destroyed and General Hux missing, the people of the galaxy are going to be looking for someone to blame. And though this war wouldn’t have been won without you, you will be their best scapegoat. The pain of this war is too fresh, and the losses are too new. I know all too well that decisions made while the blood of battle is still wet, are never made with level heads. I have buried enough family, Ben and I refuse to lose you too. So you must leave. Rey has the location of a safe house where you can disappear. When the time is right, when people have had time to heal and forgive, you can come back and we will revisit the necessity of your trial. I plan to remain with the Resistance for a few more months to ensure the transition of leadership and then I plan to retire, indefinitely. When I do, I will come to you and we will have the many conversations that we should have had._
> 
> _I know that there are some things that may never be forgiven between us. I may never be able to forgive you for killing your father. But you are my son Ben, and I will never stop loving you. Your path in this life has been one wrought with pain and blood, but it has led you here. And this is not the end of your story Ben. This is your new beginning. Stay safe my son, and I’ll be with you soon._
> 
> __
> 
> _Love,  
>  Mom_


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey settle into their newfound life of exile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE thank you to my wonderful beta [GreyForceUser](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReyandKyloforever/pseuds/GreyForceUser)  
> You help me believe that maybe this isn't complete garbage after all <3

Rey deftly maneuvers the ship into the atmosphere of the small planet in the Outer Rim. She explained to Ben that his mother had stressed the need for them to be discreet, and flying around in a stolen Resistance scout starship is the opposite of being discreet. They sell their ship and secure transport to the small moon orbiting the planet. It’s there they purchase a new light freighter and continue on their journey. 

Ben has remained quiet since reading his mother’s letter and Rey decides it may be best to give him time to process. She can only imagine what the letter entailed but you’d have to be a real nerf-herder not to see that Ben needed some time alone. A few hours later they arrive on the remote planet of Akiva. 

When the General approached her with her proposed plan of Ben’s escape and Rey’s role in it, she only had one request to make; that whatever planet Leia sent them to would NOT be a desert one. Rey has had enough of dry heat and sand to last her several lifetimes. Instead, the surface of Akiva is covered in rich thick jungle vegetation and large winding rivers, the air is humid and perfumed with the scent of wet earth. 

_Definitely not a desert._

She makes their landing using the coordinates provided by the General, setting them down a few clicks from a small village. After powering down the ship, she walks the narrow corridors towards the living quarters and knocks on one of the doors.

“We’ll have to hike to the meeting point. Meet me outside when you’re ready.” 

Ben doesn’t reply but Rey doesn’t expect him to. She makes her way into her own living quarters and gathers the small pack she managed to grab before fleeing the Resistance base. There wasn’t much time to linger on what to bring, still Rey doubts that there was much she would have cared to keep. 

She makes a quick detour to the small kitchenette where she fills two canteens with water and grabs a few rationed nutrient bars. She exits the ship and takes a few moments to appreciate the scenery before her. No matter how long she’s been off Jakku, Rey doesn’t think she will ever get used to the sight of so much vibrant green, teeming with life. So unlike the barren wastelands of her childhood. Rey closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, memories of her past swirling through her head like the twisted cyclones of a sandstorm. 

The sound of footsteps coming down the ramp interrupts her train of thought and she turns to see Ben stepping onto the damp soil. He’s abandoned his usual doublet tunic and trousers and instead is wearing a black cotton shirt with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows. His new trousers are a dark brown with a leather belt upon which his lightsaber is clipped. She takes all of these details in with interest but its something else that really catches her attention and causes her freeze on the spot. Something that makes her breath catch in her throat and her skin flush with a heat that has nothing to do with the weather. What causes Rey to lose the ability to do a little more than blink is the sight of his hair. He’s cut it. Though still long enough to cover the tops of his ears, it no longer curls at the nape of his neck or brush his shoulders. He looks younger, lighter. Different. 

She knows the decision was likely practical, that if they are trying to avoid being noticed then changing his look is likely a smart move. But the logical reasoning of why he’s done it doesn’t stop the fluttering from swooping low into her belly or her mouth from falling open at the sight. 

“Umm. It’s been awhile since I’ve done this myself.” He’s rubbing his hand against the back of his neck, a rosy tint to his cheeks, looking completely and utterly embarrassed. _Adorable._ “Is it … bad?”

“No.” And Rey really isn’t sure what comes over her then, maybe the humid heat has already dehydrated her and her brain is boiling into mush, because the next thing she does is walk right up to him and run her fingers through the shortened strands at the back of his neck.

“Not bad at all.”

Ben swallows and she can see his throat bob as his dark brown eyes lock onto hers. The two of them stand there for a few moments, her fingers still buried in his thick hair and Ben’s lips slowly part. She can feel herself being pulled in towards him, feels his heat radiating through his shirt, so different from the warmth of the jungle around them. She watches as his eyes trace the lines of her face, settling on her mouth.

There’s a loud shriek from some type of bird nearby and the spell between them is broken. Rey jerks her hand back and takes a few steps away from him. Clearing her throat, “We should get moving. Our contact will be waiting to take us to the safe house.” She nods and without waiting for a response turns and walks back to grab her pack.

They walk for about twenty minutes in tense silence before they reach the wide river that they then follow for about another hour or so. By the time they find the old Uugteen woman waiting for them, they are equally out of breath since neither of them are used to such physical exertion with so much moisture in the air. 

The elder Uugteen eyes them both, her pale and noseless face shifting from one to the other. Without saying a word, she turns to lead them away from the river and back into the thick of the jungle.

Rey is surprised by their guide's agility and speed with which she navigates the dense jungle. Her small body, though aged, is swift in avoiding thick vines, skipping loose rocks and stepping over large roots. She recognizes the adopted skill of survival: learning how to navigate and adapt to one’s harsh surroundings. 

_Didn’t I learn how to do the same? To carry myself across uneven sand and how to read the winds when R’iia was descending?_

She wonders how long the two of them will be staying on Akiva, whether they will be there long enough to adapt. _Will we also learn how to move so swiftly in this jungle?_

Soon the three of them arrive at what she assumes is the safe house. The small cottage looks like no one has lived in it for a few years, but it seems sturdy. The Uugteen turns her pale face to Rey and gestures for them to make their way inside. Then in the same manner as when they met her along the river, she wordlessly turns and walks away. 

Her gaze shifts to her companion, noticing him watch the old woman walk away, then returns her attention to the modest cottage that will be their home for the time being. Rey makes her way inside and is glad to find it's mostly furnished. With a bit of tinkering, she has the generator and water filter working in no time. Ben busies himself by opening every possible window and door to air out the stale and stuffy air. He works to clear out all the rooms of any lingering dust and dirt and then sets to washing the linens. The two work in companionable silence, not quite as tense as their trek through the jungle and by the time night falls, they are both thoroughly exhausted. 

“There is supposed to be a market in the nearby village,” Rey speaks as they're sitting in the eating area feasting on their nutrient bars and water. “I think I’ll go there tomorrow, see what we can get as far as food.” 

The former Supreme Leader nods silently, not looking up from the nutrient bar in his hand. 

_How much longer are you going to keep me out?_

Rey sighs and stands, ready to head to her room. With one last lingering look at the man who she risked everything for, she whispers, “Goodnight, Ben.”

He looks up at the sound of his name, his gaze heavy and indecipherable. “Goodnight.”

***

The next few days pass with relative ease, neither of them truly taking notice of how long they’ve been on Akiva. Rey begins to make regular trips to the market near the village, bringing back all manner of fruits, vegetables and occasionally meat. Ben takes over the task of cooking once it becomes apparent that Rey has little experience cooking anything that isn’t veg-meat and instant polystarch rations.

One evening when Ben is preparing dinner, curiosity gets the better of her.

“So how did the mighty Kylo Ren, master of all manner of darkness and evil learn how to cook?”

She means the comment to be light and teasing but she sees his lips flatten into a tight line, and she nearly apologizes for asking. After a few tense moments, he responds, “We were taught how to survive on our own at Luke’s temple.” 

His voice is clipped and short, obviously not comfortable with the subject. She doesn’t comment any further, not wanting to push a conversation he clearly doesn’t want to have. 

“I think he was preparing us to be hermits. Like the true Jedi,” he deadpans.

_He’s… is he….making a joke?_

She can’t be certain, but she thinks she sees the corners of his mouth twitch slightly upwards and she can feel herself do the same. 

“We actually learned quite a bit of how to care for ourselves. Cooking, cleaning, sewing. All the things I never had a need to learn before, being who my mother was.” Ben’s eyes take on a far away look. “It has been many years since any of these things were necessary for me to do on my own, but some things, like cooking, they just … stuck I guess.” 

He freezes suddenly, as if he has just noticed how much he has revealed about himself. He slowly turns his gaze towards her, wary, almost as if he’s waiting for her to sneer at him in disgust or scoff in his face. Instead, Rey offers him a warm smile and a light touch on his arm.

***

Another week goes by and it becomes clear that the former Master of the Knights of Ren can’t stand to be sedentary for too long. He begins to train in the small clearing near the cottage. She watches from the wide window in the kitchen and can see him going through the various saber forms, some she recognizes from Ben’s memories of his time with Luke and others from her own self-education with the Jedi texts.

She watches with rapt attention as he swings his saber with ease, the weapon seeming more as an extension of his own body. His wide stance, strong shoulders, the flex and strain in his arms. _Why is it suddenly so hot inside? Maybe I should check the climate control._ For as hot as it must be inside, it must be absolutely horrendous outside because the next thing she knows, Ben is reaching behind his head and grabbing the collar of his lightweight shirt between his shoulders. He yanks the offending garment off and tosses it to the side.

And Rey… well Rey is… suddenly trying… to … remember… what… she… was… doing.

She blinks a few times to regain her focus, then watches the shirtless specimen of a man resume his stance and again starts to strike and block and parry with an invisible partner. Except now, well, now his shirt is no longer on his body, it's lost somewhere on the jungle floor which means there is now nothing obstructing Rey’s view of his chest, his back, his shoulders and arms. _Why is he so shiny? Oh, that’s sweat. He’s...sweating._

She quickly turns away from the window, pressing her back against the counter and squeezing her eyes shut. Whether she’s trying to banish the image or safeguard it behind her lids, she’s not sure. Her breaths are short and her heart is thundering in her chest. She still feels unreasonably hot so Rey quickly makes her way down to the wall where the control panel for the climate control is, only to find everything is in perfect working order. Which doesn’t make any sense because her skin is flushed and the back of her neck is a little dewy, loose tendrils of hair sticking to her nape. 

The Light-sider makes her way to her room, pacing the space between her bed and the door. Her heart rate hasn’t slowed down and her body is suddenly rushing with a nervous energy that makes her feel like she will vibrate right out of her skin. She needs to calm down, she knows that. But sitting still and meditating seems like the last thing she wants to be doing right now. What she really wants to be doing, is something she hasn’t given much thought to before recently. Something involving the large man outside shirtless and sweating for an entirely different reason. The thought brings another flush to her heated skin. _Stop! This isn’t helping!_

Feeling fed up with her traitorous body, Rey decides the best way to calm down will be to cool down. Without another thought she turns out of her room and heads out of the cottage. Passing Ben, she does her best not to look in his direction.

“I’m going down to the river for a swim. Back in a bit!” she calls behind her.

Without waiting to see if he heard or understood her, she darts into the treeline of the jungle. She’s so distracted that she doesn’t even notice how quickly she makes it to the river, and now that she’s made it to her destination, she realizes that her preoccupied body also forgot to bring a change of clothing or towel. 

Their dwelling is pretty far removed from any other settlement and the surrounding areas tend to be equally as empty. Rey looks around to see if she can find a sign of anyone else in the area. When she doesn’t see anything with her eyes, she reaches out through the Force, finding only the life forms of small animals and birds. Unless Ben decides to follow her to the river, she’s all alone.

The thought of him joining her in the river brings up an image in her mind of water cascading down his broad chest, his skin glistening in the sun’s rays. Once again, her body flushes hot, reminding her of why she’s at the river in the first place. Not wasting another moment she strips out of her clothing and dives into the water. The relief is immediate, and she can feel her mind settle as the rest of her body cools. 

Breaking the water’s surface, she pulls the ties out of her hair letting it fall around her shoulders as she scrapes her fingers along her scalp. This is good. This is helping. Rey resolves to stay in the cool water of the river until she’s sure her thoughts of a shirtless Ben Solo won’t give her heatstroke. _I’m gonna be here awhile…_

***

After her impromptu swim in the river, Rey resolves to work on her self-control where he is concerned. She spends the next couple of days working on controlling her breathing when he’s standing too near, slowing her heartbeat when she enters a room that smells of him, and doing her best to keep a cool demeanor whenever Ben’s appearance resembles anything slightly disheveled, heated or sweaty. She is so proud of her hard work that the next time he steps out into the clearing to train, she decides to join him.

He seems hesitant at first when she walks up to him, her saberstaff in hand and an eyebrow raised in challenge. But once the two begin to spar, the Force flowing easily through the two of them, he relaxes into it. He begins to offer short directions or words of advice on her form. “Step wider,” he tells her when she nearly loses her balance while offensively pursuing him. “Relax your grip,” when her forearm cramps from exerting too much pressure. “Drop your shoulder,” while attempting a particularly ambitious strike. 

As they turn and maneuver around the small clearing Rey is reminded of another time when they fought in sync, back to back, the Force humming all around them. She’s not sure if Ben picks up on the same thing but suddenly his movements become quicker, his strikes swift but still powerful. The last Jedi makes use of her smaller stature, dodging his blows and making him chase her around the clearing. At one point, Ben bring his saber down in an overhead strike, she blocks it but has unintentionally backed herself against one of the trees. The two lock eyes, the flashing red and yellow of their weapons illuminating their faces. 

They’re close, too close. She can feel the puffs of air from Ben’s panting against her sweat damp skin. She breathes deep and catches his scent, he smells like heat and sweat and sunshine. She can practically taste it. His mouth is parted open and his eyes are wide and impossibly dark. Rey feels the shifting air around them, her own chest rising as quickly as Ben’s, her pulse thundering in her veins with adrenaline and exhilaration. 

“That was good. We- we can continue tomorrow,” he chokes out hoarsely.

He takes several steps back and clears his throat, looking everywhere except at Rey. He begins to walk away when, almost as an afterthought, he adds, “If you want to, that is.” 

Rey fixes him with her widest grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter sort of felt like a filler to me, but we gotta set up some things before we get to the really good stuff. Please, please, please, let me know what you guys think. Love it. Hate it. Whatever. I wanna know. Find me on the Tumbles and the Twits <3
> 
>  
> 
> [Accidental Tumblr.](https://accidental-amanda.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> [Accidental Twitter.](https://twitter.com/accidentalreylo)


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben makes a discovery on Akiva that lingers with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YIKES! So so SO sorry that this chapter is super delayed. Life kinda decided to kick me around a little bit so I didn't have very much time or energy to write. Thankfully though I was able to get this one done and edited. I'm hoping that I don't hit another delay like that again and I do have the next couple of chapters in the works. So if you're still hanging in there with this fic, THANK YOU. 
> 
> Also big thank you to my always wonderful beta GreyForceUser <3

It’s only a few short hours into the morning and the sun has only just begun to make its ascent, but Ben already feels choked by the thick heat of the Akiva jungle. It blankets his skin like a stifling and heavy cloak, making his breathing shallow and difficult. Rey has already left for the village market, preferring to get the task done before the sun is at its highest and the temperature borderline unbearable. Ben remains at the cottage and has been working on his meditation all morning but cannot seem to clear his mind. 

Since reading his mother’s letter and arriving on Akiva with Rey, Ben has experienced a number of emotions. Disbelief, confusion, anger, remorse, shame, and frustration to name a few. All of which have run through him repeatedly. But the primary emotion that he continues to circle back to is his overwhelming sense of disorientation and uncertainty. What happens now? Having had resigned himself to his death, what does he do now that he has this prospect of a life to be lived? He feels as though he’s been walking in a daze, adrift and aimless with no center of gravity. 

In addition to his lack of direction, Ben is also exceedingly confused by Rey’s softer behavior. She’s been reserved, only slightly distant. Not enough to seem as if she’s avoiding him, just to feel as though she’s giving him a respectable amount of space. This kindness wouldn’t seem out of place knowing the type of person Rey is, but her soft smiles and light, fleeting touches are definitely a new development. They have done nothing to help him in his current state of confusion. If anything all they’ve done is set off a flurry of nervousness in his belly and tightness in his chest. 

As a result of his present circumstances, the dark side user formerly known as Kylo Ren is reduced to a walking ball of stress and anxiety. Which wouldn’t be a new sensation for him, but is still not helpful when trying to reach a state of peaceful mediation. He can feel his anxiety and frustration flurry within him, and at the back of his consciousness there is something else. Something that is scratching and clawing, begging for his attention. 

Truth be told he has felt this tugging since their first night planetside but has been able to do a decent job of ignoring it by keeping himself occupied. Today however, with the oppressive heat bearing down on him, the empty house echoing in its silence, and with Rey’s bright Force signature missing, he is finding it nearly impossible to ignore any longer. 

Forcing himself to stand, he packs a small satchel with water and provisions for a short hike. He hesitates as he reaches for his saber, wondering if it would be truly necessary. Looking at the worn weapon in his hand, his vision is filled with the countless number of enemies that he’s cut down and the single one who wasn’t an enemy at all. Ben screws his eyes shut and stops the thought from continuing any further. He swiftly clips the saber to his belt and heads out. 

He ventures into the jungle, allowing his feet to carry him where he is being pulled. He’s been hiking for nearly thirty minutes, panting and thoroughly soaked in his own sweat, when the scratching in his head turns into a small buzzing and then into a steady pulse. Soon he finds himself at a waterfall that spills into a small pool, glittering and beautiful. He’s tempted to strip and dive into the clear and cool waters, but the pulsing in his head is now a deep throb, claiming all of his attention. He walks along the edge of the water feeling a kind of gentle current drift over his skin. Something powerful is nearby. 

Ben climbs up along the edge of the cliff face and pulls himself onto a ledge behind the falls. There he finds a small alcove, completely empty except for one large boulder sheared flat at the top. He reaches out and runs a hand long the smooth top of the stone, which comes up to his hip. As soon as his fingertips make contact with the cool slab he feels a tremor run through him and the Force sings its melody throughout his body. 

_A Force nexus._

In all his training with both of his former masters, he never knew of any vergence located on Akiva. _Perhaps they were not as all knowing as they pretended to be._ He nearly rolls his eyes at his own sarcastic thought as he climbs up onto the small platform and sits cross legged. He closes his eyes and feels himself slip easily into his meditative state. A sense of calm suddenly cascades down his body trickling from the crown of his head to the base of his spine. He can sense there is more though. Beyond the calm he can feel a steady flow of power, deep and ancient. Ben reaches out further, his psyche swimming through the stream of Force concentrated within the nexus and feels as though it is... unusually... balanced. 

Most locations that have a strong connection to the Force have a proclivity to be more Light or more Dark. The cave he recalls Rey telling him about on Ahch-To, for example, was a place of Darkness, as was the cave his uncle trained in on Dagobah. 

But this; this place was both. 

He could feel the heated glow of the Light surrounding him, enveloping him from all sides. Simultaneously, the cold fingers of the Dark slithering along his skin, gripping and sliding. The two powers are swirling and moving together in harmony. Ben reaches out further, submerging his psyche into the well of muted light, vibrant darkness, and a perfect, neutral grey. 

In all his years, never has he known such a thing to be possible. _How could a place like this exist?_ Neither one side nor the other are vying for dominance. Both are just swelling, ebbing and flowing together. Why was he never taught that the two could exist simultaneously? A symbiotic dance of balance. 

He is suddenly overcome with frustration and confusion. He never knew such a thing was even possible. Bringing balance to the Force had always been a fantastical story weaved by the delusional Jedi. A pretty slogan with no truth behind it. What they truly aimed to do was blind the world in Light. The Dark Side at least put on no false airs about what it was: Passion. Strength. Power. Victory. All enticing prospects meant to lure and keep one on the side of the dark. But it was all or nothing, on both sides; never had there been known a source of true balanced Force. 

_Had I known, would things be different? The choices I’ve made, the person I’ve become because of those choices. Would I be different?_

He feels the darkness growing around him, the slinky cold expanding, becoming thick and tempestuous. Suddenly Ben is surrounded in a haze of fear and anger, he can hear his parent’s voices strained and muffled. 

_**“He’s just so angry.”** _

_**“It’s not natural.”** _

_**“He can learn to control it.”** _

_**“Too much like him.”** _

_**“Too much… Vader…”** _

He can feel the sadness squeezing in his chest, his breathing becoming irregular. His vision whites out and suddenly he is standing outside of his uncle’s temple, the building blazing and the bodies of his peers strewn about his feet. 

_**Unnatural.** _

_**Murderer.** _

_**Abomination.** _

_**So much darkness.** _

_**Unworthy.** _

The scene before him changes and he is now kneeling before the throne of Supreme Leader Snoke, having returned from his mission eradicating the force sensitives found on Bothawui. There was one who escaped; a small female Twi’lek who couldn’t have been more than 6 standard years old. Kylo may have not been as adamant in his pursuit of her as the Supreme Leader would have liked. 

_**“You were given a directive. You are expected to see it through, not give in to sentiments! Pathetic! You who should be the heir of a true dark lord, you’re weak! You wish to follow in the footsteps of a true Darksider? I will show you what it truly means to follow the Dark!”** _

The echoes of staggering pain shoots through his body, burning and scalding every one of his nerve endings. The blinding agony is so great Ben is thrust out his meditative state. He gasps deep gulping breaths as his body falls forward, stumbling off the stone. He staggers on his hands and knees until he nears the alcove’s edge, feeling the spray of the waterfall on his heated skin. He collapses face down on the damp bedrock as he tries to catch his breath. 

Ben isn’t sure how long he lays there behind the waterfall but by the time he is able to stand again, his shirt is completely soaked through and his muscles are tense and aching. He takes his time and slowly trudges through the jungle, making his way back to the cottage. The sun looks to be descending, indicating he spent a great deal of time behind that waterfall. The echoes of the voices he heard in the alcove are still ringing in his ears, but he does his best to push them aside as he continues his slow trek. 

Its just before sunset when he finally reaches the cottage sweating, panting, hungry and exhausted. When he walks through the door he finds Rey is standing in the kitchen cutting a piece of fruit, her head darts up as soon as she hears him.

“There you are!” She steps away from the counter and starts to approach him, her hazel eyes searching and bright. “I was surprised when I came back and found you were gone. Are you ok?” 

If Ben had the mental capacity to think straight at that moment, he may have been intrigued by the amount of concern laced in her voice. 

“Yeah. Fine. Just went for a hike. Got a little lost.”

She continues to take in the sight of him, looking utterly unconvinced by his explanation and for a solid moment he thinks she may call him out on it. Instead she says, “Well you look like bantha dung. Do you want anything to eat?”

The offer freezes him where he stands. He can’t remember the last time someone cared enough to ask if he was hungry. Then again he also can’t remember the last time someone risked their own life, not once but twice, just to help him. He really shouldn’t be surprised by Rey’s kindness, but he is all the same.

“No, thank you. I think I’m just going to shower then go to bed.”

A look passes over her face, one that Ben can’t fully decipher. And again, had he been able to think clearly he may have wondered more about it. Instead Ben stands there silent, and the look on Rey’s face passes. She gives him a tight smile. “Okay.” He can’t seem to bring his eyes to hers as he nods and walks out of the room.

***

Rey jolts awake in her bed, sweat dampening her skin and causing some lose tendrils of hair to cling to her face and neck. It takes her a few moments to settle herself and figure out what it is that startled her awake. A quick scan of the room finds no sign of immediate danger. She reaches out further in the Force, feeling throughout the house for the disturbance that woke her.

When she reaches out to the only other life form in the vicinity she feels a spike of darkness that cracks through her head so forcefully she feels as though she’s been struck. She jumps out of bed and speeds down the hall towards his room, caring not that she is still dressed only in her thin sleeveless sleep shirt and small sleep shorts. Thrusting her hand out in front of her she throws Ben’s door open, her fear over his well-being overriding any uncertainty she may have felt about entering his room without permission. 

However when she crosses the threshold, there is no threat to be found. Nothing is out of place, the light from the twin moons in the sky streaming through the windows casting a peaceful cadence throughout the room. _I felt …_

Rey then turns her attention to the sleeping form in the bed; his fists are clenched and twisting in the sheets, his head is quickly twitching from side to side, his face pinched tight. She reaches out to his mind again and feels that the darkness is emanating from within him. _A nightmare._

She makes her way over to the side of his bed and gently calls his name, but he doesn’t respond. His thrashing is growing more violent, and his legs have begun to kick out. She leans over him and shakes his shoulders, calling his name out louder and louder. Yet still he doesn’t respond. She can feel the darkness pouring out of him, **fear, confusion, pain, anger,** it’s filling the room and stifling the air around them. 

_I have to get him out._

Without much thought to her actions Rey places her hands on either sides of Ben’s head seeking him out through their bond. The darkness starts to seep through her, sliding down the bond, and before it can take hold of her as well she sends out a burst of her own light. **Warmth, comfort, safety.** She pushes it through the bond as hard as she can, fighting back against the darkness. His eyes snap open as he wakes with a start. His breaths are heavy and erratic and his eyes dart around the room frantic before they settle on her in confusion.

“R-Rey?”

“Shhh, shhh. It’s ok. You’re ok. You were having a nightmare.” She gently runs her fingers through his hair, trying her best to soothe him, trying _not_ to be distracted by the soft and thick texture of his hair. She continues to send small pulses of her light to him through the Force, hoping to calm his racing heart. 

She runs her hands along his face and hair, whispering quiet reassurances. Ben’s face slowly begins to relax and his breathing begins to even out but the look of terror still lingers in his eyes. 

Rey starts to slowly pull away when a hand darts out quickly, grasping her forearm and preventing her from moving away any further. He doesn’t say anything but looks down at his hand wrapped around her arm as if he can’t comprehend that the movement was in fact his own. 

She gently places her other hand over his, “Its ok. Its ok Ben. I’m just going to get you some water. I’ll be right back ok?” 

He is still trembling as he looks up to meet her eyes, maybe searching for the sincerity of her words. 

“I will be right back. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” 

He must find whatever reassurance he needs because he releases his hold on her and Rey slowly walks to the door. Once she steps into the hall she all but sprints into the kitchen to grab him a glass of water, not wanting to leave him alone longer than absolutely necessary. When she returns he's sitting up, his back resting against the headboard and sheets pooled around his waist. For the first time she realizes that Ben sleeps without a shirt, a warmth spreads out from her chest and drops low into her gut. 

_Get ahold of yourself!_ She chastises internally. _This planet is ridiculously hot, he likely doesn’t want to die from heat exhaustion._

She hands him the glass of water, pointedly ignoring the way her hands have began to tremble with nervous energy, and sits on the edge of his bed. He takes a small sip of the water and takes a few more moments to calm himself. 

“What happened?”

He works his lips together before replying. “Not sure. I’ve always had nightmares. But this…” he blows the air out of his lungs and runs a hand through his hair. “This was different.” 

She nods and watches as he turns the glass around in his hands. 

“I tried waking you up, but it was like you couldn’t hear me. Almost like you were somewhere else completely.” She looks back up to his face to find him staring at her. “I couldn’t feel you, there was just so much … dark.”

Without breaking eye contact he says “There is a lot of darkness in me; in my past. I carry it with me every day.” He clenches his jaw and continues. “I likely always will.” He looks down into his lap, almost ashamed. 

He looks so lost and so broken in that moment, a sudden need to comfort him swells within her and Rey reaches forward to run her fingertips along his jaw, urging him to look up at her. 

“Yes. There is a lot of darkness in you, Ben. But you are so much more than your darkness. There is more in you than the sins of your past.” 

She gently rubs her thumb along his cheek, wiping away a wetness he probably would never admit was there.

“There is light in you too. There is hope and goodness.” 

His dark eyes shine in the light of the moons, bright and wet. For a moment She wonders if hers look the same. 

“I know, because I’ve seen it. And if you ever forget that… well, I’ll be here to remind you.”

He stares at her for a few long moments, and when it’s clear he has nothing to say she pulls her hand away and stands to leave the room. She gets as far as the doorway when he calls out to her.

“Rey?” 

She turns back halfway, leaning her front against the door frame.

“Yes?”

He looks strained, his jaw working and lips rubbing together, as if the words are bouncing around inside his mouth and he’s trying to hold them in.

“Why are you here?”

Rey tilts her head in confusion.

“Why are you here…with me?” He’s staring into his lap again, almost as if he’s unsure he wants to hear her response.

“I’m here because it’s where I am meant to be, Ben.” 

He looks up at her and she flashes him a smile. 

“Search your feelings. You know it's true.” 

With the smile sitting demurely on her face, she turns and walks back to her room.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is it! My first multi-chapter work! Yay! I have a good deal of this outlined and have a handful of chapters already written so I'm hoping updates won't be too far and few between. Please, please, PLEASE let me know what you guys think. We all know comments keep our fickle muses fed. As always, find me on the Tumbles and the Twits!
> 
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> 
> [ Accidental Tumblr.](https://accidental-amanda.tumblr.com)
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> 
> [ Accidental Twitter.](https://twitter.com/accidentalreylo)


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